As most of you know, I really wanted to do a natural birth
with Gideon, but I ended up getting an epidural after 2 sleepless nights of
contractions and 6 hours of active labor. After the epidural, I stopped
progressing, and they gave me Pitocin, broke my water, and he ended up taking 2
hours to push out because he was facing the wrong way. Of course I don’t know
if all (or any) of this had to do with the epidural, but I was even more
determined to let my body dictate labor with baby Girl. I also switched over to
a Midwife practice to have more support during my birth.
I read a book on hypnobirthing and loved the ideas of
relaxation, positive affirmations and letting your body take over. I practiced
the techniques and planned on no epidural with baby Girl, even though I don’t
think many people thought I would actually do it.
Baby Girl was due on
June 3rd, and I had an appointment with my midwife on the 4th to
decide where to go from there. We had an induction on the calendar for June 6th,
mostly because Risa (the midwife) is superstitious and thought if we had it
scheduled, we wouldn't need it. I felt anxious about being induced because I
wanted a natural childbirth, so the induction date was looming over me, even
though I knew I could cancel it.
The u/s was showing an 8 lb 14 oz baby, which totally
freaked me out. Gideon was 7 lb 14 oz, and he got stuck in the birth canal for
2 hours! I was sure Risa would want to go ahead with the induction, but she
wasn't concerned at all and assured me the baby wasn't actually that big. She
checked my cervix, which was still closed and high, and told me my body wasn't
ready for an induction even if I wanted one. She knew I wanted a natural
childbirth, and told me we needed to wait until my body was showing more signs
of being ready. She rescheduled my induction for the following Tuesday—8 days
after I was due.
I was relieved but also discouraged. Why wasn't my body
doing its thing??? Gideon was 2 days early, and I just always assumed baby Girl
would come at about the same time. Between moving and having our one and only
shower/bath redone, I was exhausted and ready for baby!
My mom came out on my due date, June 3rd, and we
spent a couple of low key days together. As nice as that was, I was worried that
by the time baby Girl decided to make an appearance, Mom would already be on a
plane home! The good news was Gideon LOVED being around her, and that made my
days more pleasant, even with her broken shoulder.
Thursday, June 6th I woke up at 1:30 AM with a
hard contraction. I felt relieved and excited that my body was starting to do its
thing! I contracted every 10-15 minutes until 6 AM. I was exhausted, but still
pretty excited thinking about how close I must be to “real labor.” I also
remembered that I had contractions 10-15 minutes apart with Gideon for one
night and a full day, but these contractions were painful- they felt about the
same as the contractions I felt right before getting an epidural with Gideon,
which was good and bad. Good because I felt like my body was ripening, bad
because I couldn’t sleep or relax all night. At 6 AM I woke up Neal and we went
on a walk. My contractions were hitting hard about every 7 minutes on the walk,
but when we got back home they slowed considerably. Now they were about every
20 minutes or so, and painful as they were, I knew it couldn’t be “real labor”
at this pace. I told Neal to go to work,
and Cali came over with her kids. I tried to nap, but the contractions woke me
up too often, and I felt pretty exhausted and emotional, especially with a full
house. We all went swimming around noon, which felt really good to me, and then
I once again tried unsuccessfully to nap. As my mom and Cali watched me through
contractions, I felt more and more wimpy and emotional, and started crying when
they hit. Cali massaged me and encouraged me through several, and my mom
assured me that these contractions were moving things along. I called Neal to
come home, mostly because I was an emotional wreck, and called my Dad to update
him. My dad said to me “You are a strong girl—if these contractions are this
hard for you, you should go see how dilated you are.” That really encouraged
me, thinking my Dad thought I was so strong, because I was feeling like a huge
wimp for crying through contractions that were every 15 minutes.
I called my Midwife, and a nurse told me to go to L&D if
I felt like it, but that usually they told people to wait until contractions
were 5 minutes apart for an hour, which I already knew, of course. Cali packed
up everyone, including Mom and Gideon once Neal got home, and they left us to
labor in peace. Right after they left, my contractions were 5 minutes apart for
about 45 minutes, and I couldn’t bear the thought of being in a car during too
many of them, so we headed to L&D at 5 PM. I felt extremely discouraged and exhausted,
worrying I wouldn’t even be admitted, and was pretty quiet in triage. They made
me labor in bed on my back for 20 minutes while they monitored the baby, and
the contractions were unbearable, although they had slowed back down a little,
which worried me even more.
Risa came in to check my dilation, and as she was checking
me, she said to the nurse “get her a room ready.” I was so relieved at that
alone, and then Risa said “she’s an 8.” I yelled “WHAT?!?!?” and startled everyone.
No one could believe I was already an 8, and I was OVERJOYED! One nurse
proclaimed “you’re my hero!” and another asked “did you take classes???”
Another exclaimed “how are you so calm?!” I was in a room by 6, and started
bouncing on my birthing ball and eating popsicles. No one could believe how
“calm” I was during contractions, even though I felt quite panicky as they got
longer in duration. Risa told me I
looked so “cute” bouncing on the ball eating a red popsicle, just like a little
kid. I called my family and updated them, even through contractions, and
everyone was thrilled for me. I was so relieved that I actually wasn’t a huge
wimp, and felt confident that I could deliver naturally.
Risa gave me until 7:30, and then wanted to break my water
if it hadn’t broken. Baby Girl was transverse, and she wanted to break the
water to force her head down into the correct position. I labored until then,
only occasionally snapping at Neal, on the birthing ball, bouncing and swaying
away. Right around 7, I started involuntarily moaning and yelling during
contractions, which I was pretty embarrassed about, but honestly couldn’t help
it. The contractions were so close together, it was getting very overwhelming
to me because there was no break in between. Neal starting massaging my feet in
between contractions, and that helped relax me.
The nurse came in to monitor me, which meant I had to lie
down in bed. I was nervous about leaving my ball, but actually found relief in
a new position. Risa came in to break my water, and joyfully told us she could
feel baby Girl position herself correctly. The next contraction was much
stronger, and I started yelling “I can’t do it, I can’t do it!” Risa stroked my
face and assured me that I was doing
it, and encouraged me to let my body do its thing. For whatever reason, it was extremely helpful to hear Risa say "you ARE doing it." I thought I couldn't, but I was! I was almost fully dilated,
and Neal and Risa held my hands and spoke words of encouragement. Risa was
amazing, and when I started to panic and hyperventilate through a contraction,
she was able to help me slow my breathing and tame my body. All of the sudden,
I yelled “I’m pushing!!!!!!” and started growling like an animal or someone
possessed of a demon—it was low in my throat and quite weird, even to me. Risa, who had been holding my hands and stroking my hair starting saying, “uh…I
need a gown and gloves immediately!” The nurse told me to pant and not push,
but I just had to let my body take over—it was an amazing (although painful)
feeling—my body completely took over, and even though there was no time for
gowns or gloves or breaking down the bed, I felt calm because I knew my
body knew what it was doing. After 6 minutes of pushing, Leah Shelley McMillan
was born at 8:14 PM. She came out crying and they placed her on my chest right
away. She was puffy and bruised from being shot down the birth canal, but it
was a beautiful and unforgettable moment. Feeling my body expel her was the
most amazing feeling I have ever felt in my life—our bodies are made to do
this, and it was incredible to experience.
Don’t even get me started on the afterbirth mess, or the
horrible hemorrhoids (NOT FAIR) or wretched tear (again, not fair), but that
moment of feeling her come out of me was something that I will never forget,
and it miiiiiiight even drive me to do a natural birth again. . . . I felt
empowered and strong. I felt in awe of Heavenly Father, in awe of my body, and
in awe of myself. For all the times I whimpered “I don’t think I can do it”
there was always someone telling me “you ARE doing it.” And it wasn’t always
Risa.
